Come As You Are (As You Were)
by SignedXoxoxoNelly
Summary: To be standing with Felicity now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest. All because he was still in love with her, she was still the only thing in his life he wanted, and all that he couldn't have.
1. And all the lights are blinding

**Title: **Come As You Are (As You Were)

**Part 1 of 3:** And all the lights that lead us here are blinding

**Genre:** Romance, Angst, Drama

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** 1,665

**Characters:** Felicity Smoak, Oliver Queen, Ray Palmer

**Summary: **To be standing with Felicity now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily. All because he was still in love with her, she was still the only thing in his life he wanted, but couldn't allow himself to have. And she always would be.

**A/N:** This was originally just going to be a oneshot for my Olicity Collection Thinking Out Loud, but...it kind of got away from me and I wanted to write a resolution. And then it was just supposed to be a two-shot, but Part 2 evolved into a complicated and long scene, so the resolution is now in Part 3. This is slightly AU, with spoilers for 3x09 onward.

On a side note: I can't even begin to comprehend last night's episode...I just, can't. Nope.

**Disclaimer:** Fic title comes from the song Come As You Are by Nirvana, but I was listening to the Civil Twilight cover while writing this. The title for Part 1 is from the song Wonderwall by Oasis. I do not own either song, nor do I own any of the characters used in this fic.

* * *

_And all the roads we have to walk are winding _

_And all the lights that lead us here are blinding _

_There are many things that I would like to say to you_

_But I don't know how_

* * *

Oliver knew that he would never grow accustomed to this awkwardness that inhabited the space between himself and Felicity now. He would never be okay with the fact that she held herself back around him, that she consciously censored her words and actions, that she stopped herself from truly enjoying any contact with him.

But a year was a long time, and the circumstances and events of the last year had not helped their relationship at all.

If anything, the past year had only hindered their relationship.

And it had started off with so much promise—a date, a few months of reprieve from the doom and gloom that was their life.

_Lives_, they lived separately, even back then—even if he no longer wanted to be considered anything but a part of her.

However, Felicity no longer felt the same way. She no longer felt the desperate need to be a part of his life. In all actuality, she wasn't much in his life any more, at all.

Truthfully, he hadn't seen her in five weeks, exactly. And even when he had seen her, all those weeks ago, it had been brief, and awkward, and they'd only exchanged expected pleasantries. She'd barely even met his eyes during their fifty second long conversation.

So, to be standing with her now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily.

He stared out at the city below, the din of the rooftop party an ambient noise behind them as he held his fisted hands in his pockets. Felicity stared out at the city as well, a city she had never abandoned even though it wasn't her hometown. But it was her home.

Star City.

When Oliver had returned six months ago to find not only had Felicity changed, but Starling City as well, he had been crushed. Though he never let on, he knew Diggle was aware. Felicity probably was as well, but by the time he had found his way back to them, she had moved on to bigger and brighter things.

Speaking of her bigger and brighter things, Ray Palmer stepped up to Felicity's side, a hand curling around her elbow—Oliver caught the action out of the corner of his eye but made no other physical response. But he was finding it hard to breathe.

Felicity turned her head, bright blue eyes finding Palmer's gaze as she smiled and nodded softly at whatever he whispered into her ear.

When Palmer glanced over the top of her head to look at Oliver, he realized what had just transpired in their conversation.

Palmer knew things were awkward between Oliver and Felicity, and he was checking to make sure Felicity was okay with being near Oliver.

He kept his eyes focused on the city lights brightening the dimming skyline, ignoring Ray's searching gaze.

After a moment, Ray murmured something to Felicity under his breath, pressed his lips to her temple—Oliver's eyes screwed shut—and then stepped away from her, returning to his guests, leaving Oliver and Felicity alone once more.

After several more moments of silence Oliver heaved a sigh, angling his body slightly towards hers, "you know, you don't have to socialize with me. I came here to support Palmer Tech, but that doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be around me."

Her arms were crossed over her chest, her teeth biting down on her bottom lip, her glasses replaced by contacts and she was stunning to him. She stunned him. Always.

But of course, his realizations and epiphanies always came too late to serve him well.

"Is it so hard to believe that maybe I wanted to talk to you?" She turned her head to look at him, her gaze unreadable.

He swallowed thickly and didn't respond, which was it's own response when it came to Oliver, and Felicity understood it completely.

She let out her own heavy sigh and dropped her arms to her sides before turning to fully face him. "I just, wanted to know how you are. We haven't spoken in," her eyes danced upwards as she counted back, "over a month, at least. How are things? Diggle will only tell me so much before he says I should ask you myself. But," she paused, knowing if she said anything further she could possibly be revealing too much, but her mouth had already started to run away from her so she just decided to let go, "I've gotten the feeling that it's worse to talk to you than to not talk to you. What with how things are between us."

"Things with me," he paused, not sure how to respond, not sure how much she really wanted to hear, not sure how honest he should be. "Things are how they've always been."

"Oh."

The single syllable is enough to cause his heart to sink into his stomach because it was the worst possible response he could ever receive from Felicity Smoak.

He sighed, "what I mean by that is—things are difficult, the team is stressed out and over worked, perpetually exhausted, but we're managing. And we're doing good for the city." He smiled wryly, "maybe not as good as Ray Palmer is, but," he lifted a shoulder in a shrug, "it's something."

"It's more than something." She whispered, "at least, it is to me."

"We miss you," Oliver said it softly and the words were carried away on a breeze, but he knew she heard them when her head shot up suddenly, her eyes on his face even as he looked away from her.

Her lip trembled softly when he let his eyes move back to her. Her gaze locked on his before she spoke, "and I miss all of you."

"We don't have to miss each other." His tone was defeated, and his words held a double meaning that neither of them were certain they wanted to dive into.

Felicity's hand lifted and clamped over her mouth as she turned back to the cityscape below. She composed herself before turning back to him, "you know why I left the team Oliver. You were dead."

He swallowed, lifting his eyes to the heavens before titling his head to look at her, "but I'm not dead Felicity."

"I lived my life for six months thinking you were, and it killed me Oliver. You can't expect me to just forget what it was like to live without you, to know that no matter what I did I couldn't have stopped you or saved you and to realize that I had been deluding myself when I thought we could have a future together one day. But now I know, as long as you live the vigilante lifestyle, there can never be anything between us."

"Then I don't understand how you're in love with Ray Palmer. He's doing the exact same thing I was, just with better initial intentions."

"I'm not in love with Ray."

Her words stunned him, because he'd been operating for the last six months on the notion that she was in love with Ray. He had believed that during his six month absence after he left to face Ra's al Ghul—six months were he was believed to be dead—she had found comfort in Ray Palmer and chosen to leave the Arrow team to pursue her career and relationship with the CEO.

"I don't," he sighed, sounding frustrated with himself, "I don't understand Felicity," he finally drew his hands out of his pockets, and let them hang at his sides.

Her eyes fell to his right hand, where his middle and forefingers were rubbing against the pad of his thumb—his nervous twitch. Her eyes flicked back up to his.

"Just because I left the team does not mean I'm in love with Ray. I don't agree with what he's doing, and he knows that."

He shook his head, still not understanding.

"Why come over here tonight, Felicity? Why torture us both by asking me how I'm doing? You know how I feel about you Felicity, nothing has changed for me. But everything has changed for you, and I know that, I know what it's like to lose someone you thought you couldn't survive without. You are the one who decided to quit this life, to quit the mission and the team, so please don't come around asking after it. Frankly, it's none of your concern anymore."

He wasn't sure how or why his train of thought had gone from tortured and confused to angry and upset, but it had. His last words were harsh and cut Felicity as deep as he expected them to.

She flinched away from him, looking visibly stung for a moment before her expression hardened into a resolute mask. "I understand now. I'm sorry to have bothered you."

And then she walked away. And he let her go. He knew he had to.

This wasn't her life anymore, he wasn't her life anymore.

They weren't friends, they weren't partners, she wasn't his _girl_ girl any longer.

He thought he'd come to terms with that fact, but he was quickly learning he was wrong.

One conversation with her had ruined any shields he had put up against thoughts of Felicity and what-might-have-been. The what-ifs were the most dangerous weapons to his mind and they were sharpened and aimed at his heart now. They were inside his defenses and he couldn't protect himself from them any longer.

He left the party, and descended into his shadowed world.

His light stayed on the rooftop, dimly blinking back tears as she flickered out.

And Star City went dark.

* * *

_Part 2 coming soon. Review? xo_


	2. And my bones are calling out your name

**Title:** Come As You Are (As You Were)

**Part 2 of 3:** And my bones are calling out your name

**Genre:** Romance, Angst, Drama

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** 2,650

**Characters:** Felicity Smoak, Oliver Queen, Ray Palmer

**Summary: **To be standing with Felicity now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily. All because he was still in love with her, she was still the only thing in his life he wanted, but couldn't allow himself to have. And she always would be.

**A/N:** And this is Part 2. I'm still not at peace with 3x12, but maybe I'll get over it. Probably not. I've got a drabble in the works that's helping me process. Anways, I'm working on Part 3 of this fic now, though I scrapped my my first and second drafts of it, I'm reworking it now.

The response for this fic has been amazing! This fandom is the best I've ever encountered and I thank you all for your reviews/favorites/alerts. I appreciate all of them greatly! I hope you enjoy Part 2, and you're not all suffering too badly from the 3x12 feels.

**Disclaimer:** Lyrics/Chapter title are from the song All I Want by Dawn Golden. Fic title is from the song Come As You Are by Nirvana. I do not own either of these songs, nor do I own any of the characters used in this fic, they belong to DC Comics and the CW.

* * *

_Well, I know I'm hard to take _

_And my bones are calling out your name _

_While I try to forget _

_I used to be something great _

_Because you're all that, all that I want_

_Because you're all that, all that I want_

* * *

He realized it now that Felicity never truly said in certain terms what she felt.

Sure, she spit trivial knowledge about herself and her current emotions all of the time—but when it came to the deep things she kept quiet.

He'd told her several times how he felt about her. She'd never told him once.

For months he'd convinced himself that she just didn't need to. She didn't need to say anything because he just _knew _how she felt, he assumed she had feelings for him deeper than friendship.

Assumptions and insinuations, but never words or declarations.

He sighed to himself as he stared into the glass case before him where his suit hung, ready for use but he had no need for it that night. His head was not in the right head space to don the hood, he would only hurt himself or someone else if he went out.

Sliding his hands into the pockets of his dress slacks he let his shoulders slump and he turned away from the glass case.

His body froze as the realization that he was not alone hit him. His body tensed when he realized that he had been so preoccupied mentally that he hadn't heard someone else enter the foundry.

He never made mistakes like that.

He needed to forget about speaking to Felicity. For everyone's sake. For everyone's safety.

But _she_ stood in the foundry, she was the intruder that he hadn't heard enter.

He tried to keep his expression neutral as he stared at the blond woman, taking her in slowly.

Her hand was gripping the railing of the staircase tightly, her other hand was curled around the strap of her purse. Her dress was covered up by a plum pea coat, which was only buttoned up halfway, probably in haste. Her hair was still softly curled and hung around her shoulders.

She looked like she had just a few hours before, on the rooftop.

But now they were underground, out of the light, in the shadow. They were in his world.

As he stared at her, he realized, she no longer fit into the darkness of his world.

"What are you doing here?" He meant for his voice to sound hard and guarded, but instead it came out hoarse and throaty, filled to the brim with emotion.

He watched the muscles in Felicity's right hand clench around the railing before she released it and took a step forward, a step into the darkness.

"I," she started, but then something else caught her attention and her eyes jumped away from him, "where's the salmon ladder?"

His breath caught in his throat for a moment as a lump formed, but he swallowed it back.

"It got damaged during a mission." He answered vaguely.

"A mission? But it was in the foundry."

"The foundry was attacked."

"What? When?"

He stared at her for a long moment with a gaze that told her he wouldn't answer that question, that she had given up her right's to those answers months ago.

She swallowed and then nodded, her chin tucking in toward her chest slightly, "right," she whispered through an exhale. Her hand lifted to her forehead, rubbing at an invisible ache, "sorry I asked."

He set his jaw, "you never answered my question."

She gave him a look that said he was being unfair, but then her shoulders fell and she answered, "I didn't like how we ended things earlier."

He wanted to tell her that he hadn't liked how they'd ended anything between them for the past year, but he held his tongue.

The silence spurred her on, "I-I know I had no right asking about Arrow business, okay? I get that I chose to stop being a part of the team and I'm now just a normal civilian who has to pretend like she has no idea who is behind that mask. And that's fair." Her eyes lifted to meet his across the vast space between them, "But you can't say things like you miss me, because that's _not_ fair."

He sucked in a quick breath, feeling like he had been punched in the gut, and his eyebrows tilted upwards just a fraction.

"We've both made a lot of choices in the past six months and we're living with them now. You decided that if I wasn't a part of the team, you couldn't be around me. And I've accepted that, I've sacrificed my friendship with you and I'm sorry if I maybe wanted it back." Felicity finished with a noncommital shrug, motioning with her hands like she always did.

He turned away from her, turning back toward the glass cases of suits and arrows, placing his palms flat on the glass. His body was thrumming with unreleased energy.

"I can't be your friend Felicity."

"That's not—"

He cut her off, "Felicity, _I can't_."

Something in his voice must have translated all of his unspoken words to her, because she let out a soft, understanding, "oh."

He sighed, feeling tears sting his eyes, because Felicity was standing before him talking about his decisions and actions being unfair—because if anyone was being unfair—it was Felicity.

He had been doing fine, he had been managing until tonight. He had been on a good path until Felicity stood next to him on that rooftop and asked him how he was doing. That was unfair. It was unfair for her to act like he wasn't dying to talk to her, like he wasn't dying to hold her, like he wasn't dying to have her back in his life. She had to know that talking to him would only make things worse, and yet she asked him the question anyways. It was unfair.

It was all unfair.

He'd come back from death ready to give her everything, to lay his heart down for her, to vow to her that he was done with keeping her heart at arm's length.

He was ready to love her, because, as he died, he realized he'd never known what is was really like to be in love _with _her. He'd only ever adored her from afar, he loved her at a distance, as separate people—but he never got to love with her.

He wanted to share their bond, to have it flow both ways in an unwavering connection that spoke of their commitment to one another.

And then he'd come home to Starling, and she no longer wanted the same things.

She had Ray. She had Palmer Tech.

She didn't have the team, she didn't have the Arrow and she didn't want Oliver.

It had stung, the rejection of the one person who had always supported him, but he could not blame her. He had been dead to her. Before this, he would have been okay with her decision, he would have accepted it.

But that was _before _he realized how ludicrous he had been acting for months. He could no longer accept her decision, he couldn't be near her, he couldn't speak to her. Even though he desperately wanted to.

She made it easier on both of them and stayed away.

He checked up on her. If she knew, she never gave any indication. He just liked to know she as alive and healthy and happy. If she was, then he had no reason to interfere with the life she had chosen, the life she wanted.

And he would live his life without her, even though he didn't want to. Not anymore.

And it was unfair that she was trying to ruin all of the progress he had made as he worked his way through the ruins of their what-if relationship.

"Oliver."

Her voice was at his back, and he could feel the heat of her just a few short feet behind him. His hands curled into tight fists atop the glass case as he fought for control over everything he was feeling.

"Felicity, you should go." He voice was unconvincing, if anything it sounded like he was really begging her to stay, but his mind told him that she needed to leave, that he needed to be alone. That he needed to put distance between them because they were in dangerous territory.

"Oliver, I'm not leaving."

Why did he think she would listen to him now? She always had been rebellious when it came to his orders, always challenged him, always stood up and called him on his bullshit. But now he really wished she'd just be submissive.

He was fracturing, and he didn't want her to see this, because she wouldn't be around long enough to help put him back together. She would return to Ray Palmer and then they wouldn't speak to each other for a few months and everything would go back to normal.

"Felicity, _please_."

A firm hand gripping his shoulder caused him to whip around so his back was to the glass cases and he was facing Felicity.

Her hand still hung in the air between them and her eyes were searching his face, her teeth biting into her bottom lip, worry evident in her expression and pity in her gaze.

He didn't want her pity, he bristled.

"You shouldn't be here."

The fire quickly returned to her blue eyes as she rose to his bait.

"I think this is the only place I should be."

"You chose to leave this," he motioned with one hand to the foundry, to her computers, to the glass cases of weapons.

"Because I thought you were gone." She responded, her arms coming up to cross over her chest. "I didn't have the heart to continue this mission without you."

"But you had the heart to move on with Ray."

She flinched, "Ray understood what I was going through. We'd always been attracted to each other, but I was always in love with you. When I knew that I was never going to have a chance at a life with you, I opened myself up to the possibility of Ray."

"I know. I saw."

"What?"

"The night he kissed you."

She deflated slightly, "that was before you left."

He didn't respond, just sighed and paced away from her before rounding back, "I was going to tell you how I felt. I was going to tell you I loved you and that I wanted to try again."

She looked shocked, like the carpet had been ripped out from beneath her feet, but she recovered remarkably quickly. "But you didn't."

"You and Ray make sense."

"And you and I don't." She said, sounding defeated and angry as she glared at him.

"No." He stopped, just in front of her, "nothing in my life has ever made more sense than you and me."

Her jaw went slack as she stared up at him.

"But things are different now, Felicity. You left the team, you started a relationship with Ray and he's good for you. Being away from this life is good for you. Being away from me is good for you." He took a step back. "You deserve happiness, Felicity. If anyone who has survived this life deserves it, it's you."

He exhaled softly and then moved to walk past her, heading for the stairs that led out of the foundry.

"Is it that you don't think you're worthy of happiness? Or is it you don't think you can be happy?"

Her voice caused him to pause on the first step. He turned slightly to face her, his left foot stepping back onto the concrete floor of the foundry as his brow furrowed, "what?"

"Do you purposefully try to deny yourself happiness? Or do you think real happiness doesn't exist? Which is it, because they're the only two reasons I can think of as to why you don't want to be in a relationship with someone you really care about."

Her throwing his own words back at him stung, but her questions stunned him in an entirely different way because even he couldn't come up with an answer.

And then his mind flickered back to the mountaintop, to Ra's al Ghul's sword slicing through his torso, tearing vital organs and ending his life. And in his last moment all he had seen was Felicity, and all he could think of was all the moments in which she had made him really smile and how he would have given up anything to return to her, to change the way he had treated her.

His feet carried him across the foundry floor without thought and suddenly he was chest-to-chest with her and she was back up against the glass case of arrows.

"I was ready to take my happiness. I came home after Ra's al Ghul killed me to do just that. I was going to have my happiness, consequences be damned because I was done with not being able to feel happiness every single day."

His mouth was a hairsbreadth away from hers as he loomed over her, his face just far enough away so they could maintain eye contact and his blue eyes were dark and intense as he stared down at her.

Felicity's mouth opened and closed as she tried to respond, but she had no words.

"When I woke up, alive, all I knew was that I wanted to come home to Starling City, and tell you I love you and that we deserve the happiness I know we can give each other."

He watched the tears well in her eyes, because she understood finally, and she knew where this was going.

"But when I came home, I quickly realized I couldn't have what I wanted—I was too late."

"It's not too late."

He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose, "_Felicity_."

He wouldn't do this to her, he would not be the reason things went south between her and Ray, he would not be the other man, he would not be her infidelity.

When her hand landed on his chest, he opened his eyes and stared down at her with an expression that pinned her down. She didn't move another inch, she barely breathed, just stared up at him with a pleading look in her blue eyes that he could not understand—that he could not allow himself to decipher.

"You're making this harder than it has to be," he whispered through a tightened jaw, "I've done well in keeping myself away because Ray is better for you than I will ever be. I will always care for you, Felicity. But it is too late for us to be anything more than what we are now."

For a moment, the air between them remained charged as Felicity's brows furrowed indignantly and then it was broken, and the buzzing fell flat as she wrenched herself away from him. She stepped back, trying to put space between them, only to run into the glass case, causing the shelving to shudder slightly with the force that she had run into it.

Oliver stepped back, allowing her space and he dropped his eyes to the floor, focusing on keeping his heartbeat slow and his breathing steady.

Her heard her heels clack against the floor as she slowly walked away, but she stopped at his shoulder, turning her head to look at his profile.

"What are we now?"

He lifted his head, eyes staring into the glass case holding his Arrow suit, seeing the reflection of her back in the glass.

"Strangers."

And she left, taking with her the life he wanted.

Leaving him with the life he deserved.

* * *

_Still pretty angsty, I know. But right now, I'm feeling pretty angsty about the Olicity relationship, so... Drop a review, tell me how you're feeling? xo_


	3. And I'll hold you if you go supernova

**Title:** Come As You Are (As You Were)

**Part 3 of 3:** And I'll hold you closer if you go supernova

**Genre:** Romance, Drama, Hurt/Comfort

**Rating:** T

**Word Count: **4,468

**Characters:** Felicity Smoak, Oliver Queen, Ray Palmer (mentioned)

**Summary:** To be standing with Felicity now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily. All because he was still in love with her, she was still the only thing in his life he wanted, but couldn't allow himself to have. And she always would be.

**A/N: **Here's part 3. This is actually draft 4 of this chapter. Draft 1 just sucked, draft 2 I liked but I still didn't feel like it was the right way to end this fic (I may post it as its own stand alone oneshot) and draft 3 was scrapped before it even really got going. But then, suddenly, a few snippets of dialogue came to me and I really built the rest of the chapter around them.

I'm on Tumblr (signedxoxoxonelly), check me out there! I'm still learning the ropes, but hopefully I'll be more interesting on there soon. Maybe I'll post a deleted scene from this chapter? Or a snippet from one of the scrapped drafts?

Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed and favorited. This fandom is absolutely amazing when it comes to feedback and support. I cannot tell you all enough how thankful I am! I hope you enjoy this final installment, and I'm sorry it took so long to get it finished!

xoxoxoNelly

**Disclaimer:** The lyrics used in this chapter are from the song Shining by X Ambassadors. The fic title comes from Nirvana's song Come As You Are. I do not own either songs, nor do I own the characters of Arrow.

* * *

_I've been living in the dark for a long, long time_

_But I see better at night_

_._

_And I'll hold you closer if you go supernova _

_You will be, you will be _

_forever my shining, ever my shining star_

_ever my shining, ever my shining star_

* * *

He would never be able to explain in words the way his heart palpitated arrhythmically the night that he saw her again, eight months after he told her they were nothing more than strangers.

The last thing Oliver had expected that night, as he limped back into the foundry—after another devastation of the Glades and another seemingly insurmountable foe—was Felicity Smoak.

She stood in the center of the foundry, surrounded by his equipment, his weapons—his life—his darkness. And she looked out of place and at home all in the same moment.

"Diggle said you were hurt."

The words barely registered with him as he stared at her, feeling his blood thrum through his veins, reminding him that he had survived yet another near death experience. He had scraped past the edge of oblivion once more to see the light of the sun breach the horizon line of Star City.

But he was underground, in his shadowed world. A hermit who rarely basked in the warm glory of the sun.

Yet, an artificial light shone brightly down there, ironically sending the shadows skittering away instead of creating more.

"Oliver."

He watched her approach him, but he barely heard her. Her mouth was moving, she was telling him something. His lips quirked as he realized she was babbling, though he had no idea what about. One of his ears was still ringing from a bomb explosion, and his brain was too overwhelmed by the fact that she was _there_, in his world, in his home.

She stopped suddenly, about two feet from him, her blue eyes wide behind her glasses and he finally, completely took her in.

Dark circles rimmed her lower lids, her ponytail was disheveled, short strands scraping her forehead. Her blouse was untucked from her pencil skirt on one side, and her feet were bare—her heels discarded a few feet away, next to her desk where her bay of computer screens was located.

He mentally cringed at the way he referred to the computers as her possessions because they didn't belong to her, not anymore. At one point in time, they were hers, and in a way, they would always belong to her. But her job was no longer there with them, it was with Palmer Tech, in Coast City.

But then, why was she there?

"You're bleeding."

He glanced down suddenly, his attention drawn to where her eyes were staring a hole into his abdomen. He was bleeding from a shallow stab wound that hadn't punctured anything vital, but was leaking blood steadily, staining the leathers of his suit a dark black.

Oliver opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out as suddenly Felicity was standing right in front of him, her head ducked so she could get a better look at the wound. Methodically, her fingers undid the zipper of his jacket and she helped him shrug out of the material.

Then, she lead him over to the stainless steel table where they had both bled out before and she stripped his shirt off him—cutting the fabric away so he wouldn't aggravate the wound when trying to pull it over his head.

His eyes stayed constant on her face as she worked—cleaning the wound, disinfecting it, stitching it closed, pulling his skin back together almost tenderly.

Words needed to be spoken, yet none came to his lips, even after she had set down the scissors after snipping off the excess surgical thread at the end of his stitches.

After several long moments, she lifted her eyes, slowly dragging them up his body. She didn't make it far, her eyes stopping on the right side of his torso, on the scar that lay just under his pectoral, a wound that had punctured the bottom of his right lung. A wound that had killed him, a wound that had ruined whatever their relationship could have been.

He sucked in a breath through his teeth when her fingertips ghosted over the puckered skin. Her eyes shot up to his as she witnessed his reaction, but she didn't remove her hand, instead, she flattened her palm over the scar.

He locked onto her gaze—the overwhelming bright spot in his life of darkness—a light he had been denying himself, a light he had told himself he could not harness because it needed to be set free. A light, he had convinced himself, that needed to shine on something, or someone, more deserving.

"Why are you here?" His voice was hoarse from disuse, and his words came out sharper than he intended, but he felt that was a good thing. He needed to maintain at least an emotional distance from her, so that, when she left that night, he wouldn't be left in pieces.

She opened her mouth to respond and then froze, reconsidering her answer. Her mouth settled into a grim line before she replied, "you're not a stranger to me Oliver."

He failed to see how that answered his question and his eyebrows furrowed as a result. She seemed to recognize his confusion, "Diggle said you needed some—he said you shouldn't be left to stitch yourself up."

Oliver blinked at her blankly for a moment before he fully translated the words into a meaning in his head. He nodded.

She was here because Diggle had asked. Diggle was at home, spending some well-deserved time with his own family. Roy was nursing a fractured ankle, Thea at his side. Laurel was mending her relationship with her father. There was no one else who could have helped him.

He swallowed, "thank you for coming."

There was a tremulous moment, where her jaw quivered just slightly as his eyes swept up to her face for a brief moment.

"You don't need to thank me," she finally whispered before stepping back, drawing her hand away from his scar. He closed his eyes briefly as her skin parted from his and he was left with the bitter cold air in her wake. His whole body felt suddenly freezing, like when he had bled out in the snow, his whole body going numb from cold until suddenly it felt like a searing burn.

"You should get going," Oliver said, opening his eyes and meeting hers, noticing the calculating look in her gaze, "it's a long trip back to Coast City."

Her head cocked to the side, "Coast City?" Her eyebrows rose in confusion, her pink lips turned down in a frown.

He titled his head slightly, eyes studying her but she looked truly confused, "that's..." he paused, chin ducking to his chest as he looked away, "that's where Ray, and Palmer Tech is."

"Oh."

He couldn't bring himself to look at her in that moment.

"I don't live in Coast City, Oliver."

His gaze shot up to hers so quickly the room blurred in his peripheral.

"I resigned from my position at Palmer Tech, respectfully, after he announced the move. My home is Starling."

The way her voice caressed the word, the fact that she had even chosen to use his city's old name, caused a pang in his heart—because Starling City was the city they had set out to protect, as a team.

Somewhere along the way they had lost everything—each other, their team, even their city.

"You and Ray?" He knew it was torture to ask, and maybe he was a bit of a masochist, but he needed to hear the words from her. He needed to know, even if he didn't want to know.

"We broke up six months ago."

Six months. Two months after the night they had last spoken.

His eyes were suddenly on hers again, his mouth parted as he stared at her. "I didn't..." he should apologize, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud, because the sick, twisted dark part of him didn't feel sorry at all.

Yet the man inside of him that yearned to do the right thing by Felicity felt horrible, because he had felt Ray could make her happy, and that obviously had not worked out.

"I never loved him. I tried." She swallowed thickly, a soft sound leaving the back of her throat as she choked on her words, "but I just couldn't."

He couldn't begin to comprehend why she had confessed something like that to him. He didn't deserve her secrets, he didn't deserve her feelings.

"I've spent months trying to forget what you told me the last time I was here. I've spent well over a year trying to forget what you told me the day you left to face Ra's al Ghul. I've been desperate to forget the look on your face when I told you I was with Ray the day you came back."

Oliver closed his eyes, focusing on his breath, the way it entered through his nose and exited through his mouth. He needed to keep a tight control of himself as Felicity spilled out these dark secrets that were more painful than the stab wound in his side.

"But I can't forget you Oliver. And I can't regret moving on from you either." She huffed and he opened his eyes to see her chin tilted down dejectedly, her arms crossed over her chest, "I don't understand why I can't let you go. Because you've made it very apparent that that's what I have to do, that that's what you've done."

"I never wanted to let you go, Felicity." The words are begrudging as they leave his lips. "I don't want to get over you, but I was trying to do what-"

She looked unconvinced when he glanced at her, "what's best for me," she finishes for him, she arches a blond brow.

He sighed heavily, shoulder dropping, "I don't know what you want me to say."

She stopped, her shoulders lifting as they tightened, "I want to know what you _want_, Oliver. Take away the bullshit about protecting me, or wanting me to be happy with someone else." She turned her back to him, one of her hands lifting to her face.

His jaw tightened, because it seemed incredibly unfair, he'd always told her what he wanted, and explained to her why he couldn't have it. She may not understand his thinking, and she may not agree with it, but he understood it, and he lived by it. Yet, she had never been clear on what she wanted from him. She'd never tried to take control of their relationship, and in fleeting moments he wished she had.

"I don't know what _you_ want Felicity. That's how it's always been for us." He swallowed, "I think I've always made myself pretty clear with what I feel for you and what I want. You've just never liked what I said."

She whipped around to face him, her blue eyes alight with a fire he had missed.

"You're joking, right?" She laughed sarcastically, "you never made it clear what you wanted! You would touch me, and look at me like you adored me and then you'd tell me you couldn't be with me, that we were better apart. Mixed messages, every damn day." Her voice shook with the vehemence of her words.

He didn't have the heart to tell her that that was just him not being strong enough to resist her.

"I've told you countless time that I love you, Felicity. And I made it clear that we couldn't be together, for your safety and for mine. I call that being pretty clear," he slowly pushed himself off the edge of the table, dropping down onto his feet. He may have seemed unfair, but he was always clear.

"There was a silent maybe in every sentence you spoke. You always gave me some sort of hope that one day you'd change your mind. You were leading me on and then you died!"

"You can't keep holding that against me Felicity." He roared suddenly, throwing his arms out, ignoring the stab of pain that shot through his side as he aggravated his stitches. She quieted, looking stunned by his sudden outburst.

Her mouth closed and her argument died on her lips. "You're right."

Silence echoed between them and it stretched on for several minutes where Felicity chewed on her bottom lip and Oliver stared at the wall of the foundry just over her shoulder.

"I didn't want to die Felicity." His voice was quiet, broken even to his own ears.

"Of course not, I know that," she whispered, closing her eyes and looking mortified, he could see the tears beginning to pool against her lashes.

"I wanted to come home to you." He whispered this confession in a devastated tone, because he had dreamed for months of coming home to her, of taking her into his arms and having her for the rest of his life.

"I know." She whispered back, barely audible, muffled by the soft sounds of his footsteps.

"I don't think you do." His voice was gravely, heavy with regret and pain and restraint.

She opened her eyes and he was standing just in front of her and she gasped at his sudden proximity. His eyes were a clear blue, a color she hadn't seen in months, an expression on his face so reminiscent of the ones she had seen him take on before he made harrowing decisions in the name of protecting the ones he loved—her heart ached at the sight.

"No, I remember what you said th—the last time we spoke. Those words have haunted me for months, Oliver. Knowing that if I had just waited, if I had been a little more dedicated, I could've had what I'd been dreaming of. To know that this time, it was my fault we weren't together." She reached up and ran a hand over her head, "it was always so easy to deal with us not being together, because I could just blame you. But suddenly, it was my fault, and I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't know how to deal with me being the reason I couldn't have you."

"You've always had me, Felicity." He shrugged, exasperation softening his voice, but his throat seemed to constrict on her name, squeezing the word out painfully.

"But never like I wanted." She countered, shaking her head solemnly, her lips turning downward.

"I've been here Felicity. I've been home for months." His hand reached out for her, stilling in the air between them, just next to her shoulder. She turned her head, stared at his long, calloused fingers and thought back to times when he had touched her freely—grasping her shoulder, cupping her cheek, grazing the small of her back. She shuddered at the memories.

"And you made it pretty clear I couldn't come back. Strangers, remember?" She tore her eyes away from his hand, moving her gaze back to his face, ignoring the tears that were beginning to blur her vision.

He sighed, his eyes falling to the floor for a moment, his hand dropping to his side, "I remember."

"I was respecting your wishes. I didn't want to make things harder on you, because it was my fault that you felt the way you did." She crossed her arms over her chest and angled her body away from his, showing her level of discomfort plainly. She wanted to run, being so near to him was suddenly taking a devastating toll on her. "I did this to us."

He stepped back, giving her space—reading her mind and her body clearly, because he still knew her, despite the time they had lost—and she glanced at his face when she noticed the movement.

"That night," he sighed, raking his fingers through his hair as he leaned back on one of his feet, away from her, "that night was hard for me. I said some things I shouldn't have in order to protect myself. I was heartbroken—I am still heartbroken."

Her eyes are suddenly intent on his, "it's been eight months." She wanted to hide the disbelief in her voice, the awe that he still carried feelings for her when she had given him no reason to still care. Sure, Oliver had been clear they couldn't be anything more than strangers, but she hadn't really fought against him—she hadn't argued for them being together, she had just accepted it. She had settled.

"It could've been eight years, Felicity, and I still wouldn't be over you." Oliver smiled sadly, ironically, like there was some joke to be laughed at in his words that he had never noticed before until now, and it was too late to enjoy the light-heartedness of it.

"Oliver." She started and he stopped her.

"I'm still in love with you. My feelings haven't wavered in the slightest, they're still as strong as they were the day I left to face Ra's al Ghul, and the day I woke up alive and ready to return home to you."

Felicity's breath was swept out of her lungs by a force and desire she hadn't felt for months. Suddenly, her hands lifted and framed his cheeks, and she pressed herself flush to his body, her mouth brushing against his in an effervescent kiss. A teasing touch, a maybe, a flicker of hope. A kiss that represented their past.

His left arm came up to curl around her waist out of instinct as he let his nose slide along hers, his lashes lowering as he took her in, her taste just a breath away. Then, slowly, he angled his head into hers, his mouth pressing softly to her lips.

It was lightning in her veins and Oliver immediately gave into her.

She tilted her head, her hands sliding from his cheeks, to his neck—angling his mouth how she wanted it, kissing him in a frenzy—making up for all the moments she had denied them by stepping into Ray's arms seventeen months ago.

Felicity's gasped, her mouth pulling away from his, when suddenly Oliver turned and had her pressed up against a cement support beam.

He froze suddenly at their disconnection and then, he was standing several feet away from her.

She stared at him, her hand lifting to trace her lips—knowing her lipstick was smeared or completely wiped away from Oliver's kisses.

Her eyes found his across the space.

"Felicity, I can't."

He'd said the same thing the last time she had been in the foundry, and she had understood that night—it was too painful for him to be around her because he hadn't forgiven her.

"You're going to walk out of the foundry, Felicity, and things will go back to the way they've been for the past eights months. As much as I want to..." he trailed off, his chest heaving with his labored breaths. He closed his eyes briefly, continuing to speak with them still closed, "hold you, touch you," his fingers twitched at his sides, "actually acting on those desires will only make it worse when you're gone."

"I don't have to leave."

His eyes opened to stare at her.

"I could stay." She pressed her shoulders back into the support beam as she let her own words sink in.

"You shouldn't. You shouldn't stay down here, you shouldn't be a part of this life. You've separated yourself from it already, it should stay that way."

She felt her bottom lip quiver, then she stalked across the room, past Oliver, to the stainless steel table. She picked up her purse, shrugging the strap onto her shoulder and then she turned back around.

Oliver stood just behind her, heat radiating off him as she tottered back on her heel. His hand reflexively shot out, wrapping around her waist to hold her steady.

She met his eyes for a moment as they stood there, "just know, you're making me leave. I've chosen this life before, and I'd choose it again."

"There's no choice to be made."

She bit down on her bottom lip and stepped around him, her shoulder brushing his as she passed.

She was halfway across the floor, headed for the staircase, when Oliver spoke.

"I just need to hear you say it once Felicity. Then you can walk out of my life and never come back." Oliver's voice cracked before he whispered, "just once."

She knew without asking what he wanted to hear. She turned slowly, exhaling slowly to keep herself calm. She lifted her eyes to his face, where his gaze was fixed on her, "I _have_ said it. I said it the last time we spoke—you just didn't hear it."

He pressed his mouth into a thin line and cocked his head.

"I was telling you about Ray and I, that we had always been attracted to each other but I was too in love with you to care."

Recognition dawned on his features, smoothing out the lines of his brow for a brief moment before his expression hardened.

"That's a coward's way of saying it." And it was, cloaked in words that distracted him, hidden beneath layers of pain. It was just a way to make herself feel better about it—that the words were out there, but she'd said them in a way that he hadn't even heard them. Because she was afraid of what would've happened if he had noticed her confession.

He wouldn't have let her leave that foundry. He would have kissed her that night, she would have given herself to him and left Ray the next morning.

"I know." She agreed, with a resolute nod of her head, accepting her cowardice.

She stepped closer to him and he watched her warily, she'd never seen him afraid of her before, and it stung.

"Oliver, you have to understand—saying those words to you—they're not just words. Not to me."

"They're not just words to me either."

"But for me, they're words that lead to abandonment."

Oliver's eyes widened and cleared for a moment before his jaw tensed. She knew he wanted to say that he'd never abandon her, but he couldn't, because he had already left her once before.

"Telling you..._that, _it gives you the power to ruin me, Oliver. If I give that to you and then lose you again, I don't think I could ever put myself back together."

It was then that Oliver realized that loving someone was giving them the power to ruin you and trusting that they wouldn't. It was a realization, and an epiphany, that for once, had not come too late for him.

Felicity had been abandoned so many times—always by men she cared about, people who said they loved her, himself included—that she no longer trusted the people she loved not to break her heart. She had come to associate love with loss and pain. So she avoided it, she refused to give her love away, because if she never ascribed love to anyone, she could never be hurt when they left her.

It was a defense mechanism, and Oliver could respect that, he had dozens of his own.

But he didn't want Felicity to defend herself against him. He should be defending her, shielding her from the disappointment of others. He shouldn't be a source of her disappointment.

However, that is what he had become. That was why she had moved on to Ray—he hadn't disappointed her, he hadn't abandoned her, he had stayed by her side when all others vanished.

He stepped forward, his fear suddenly forgotten, his eyes shifting. This time, when his hand lifted to grasp her shoulder, he didn't hesitate—he let his fingers curl over the bone and he leaned his head down so their eyes were level.

"I know, there are no words I can say to you that will reassure you that I won't leave you again. And I can't promise my safety, but I love you Felicity. I want nothing but your safety and your happiness, and I've come to realize that maybe, I could be the man to give you that."

A tear slipped over her bottom lip and trailed down her cheek. His hand lifted from her shoulder, the backs of his fingers wiping away the lone tear before curling beneath her chin.

"I love you, Felicity." He repeated

"I-I love you too." She stuttered over the words, but she meant them.

He kissed her softly, his mouth tenderly moving against hers, stealing her breath from her like he had stolen her heart three years before. Everything about him was a soothing heat that ebbed away at the ice that had been slowly freezing her solid over the past twenty months where she had given up her passion, her mission.

He pulled back slowly, her lips refusing to part from his. Oliver's breath curled around hers as her fingers reached up to grip his neck, attempting to pull him back to her. She had deprived herself of this for too long.

"Eight months ago, you told me it wasn't too late," he whispered, one of his hands reaching up to remove hers from his neck. He squeezed her fingers tightly, drawing them to his mouth, brushing a kiss against her knuckles. Her eyes lifted to his as his next words left him. "It's not too late now, is it?"

He expected her to smile, but instead the set of her mouth was serious, her eyes bright with tears, her jaw trembling before she whispered, "no Oliver, it's not."

And then she kissed him again—rising up onto her toes—and a light invaded his chest, causing it to expand as a weight lifted from him. Weightlessness suddenly swept through her stomach, partially from the freedom of allowing herself to finally have the man she'd always wanted, and partially because Oliver lifted her feet just off the floor.

She loved him. His darkness and his lightness and all the shadows in between.

And he loved her. Her tenacity and caution and all the insecurities in between.

When the sun rose above Verdant the next morning, Oliver rose from beneath the ground with it, his hand wrapped around Felicity's, her light melting into that of the sun and leading him forward into his city—Starling City-where Oliver Queen and the Arrow coexisted, and Felicity Smoak saved the city's savior each day with just her presence.

* * *

_I'm still in denial about last night's episode. Make me feel better with a review? xo_


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